july, 2022

july 23 - 1:29am
feeling: upset

my mom has been promising to take me thrifting this saturday for the past three and a half weeks and of course, tonight, she decides to drink until she can't walk. she hasn't done this in weeks, why now? why tonight? why after she promised me for so long? i haven't gone out with her in a long time, i just wanted to spend a day with her.

they're blasting music and it's so loud and there are police sirens and they're arguring. i kept telling her that most of the stores close by 4 o'clock and she kept promising that we 'wouldn't go that late.' but not only does she refuse to drive after a night of drinking, she also doesn't get up until 3pm. she was sober when i told her this, but she still decided to get wasted. what a fucking mother.

july 21 - 11:50pm
feeling: anxious

the future is so scary. i've been trying to live in the 'now.' thats what my mother told me to do. there's no point in worrying about those distant things that haven't come yet, but i guess no one can really help it. i feel like i can't be happy without having a reason for it. why can't i just be happy without making myself feel bad? like, i'm sitting here, in my bed in warm clothes, coding my website and listening to crossfade. why doesn't that make me happy? why can't i just live in this moment and enjoy it without overthinking it?

i did have a good day... i went out with jake today. it was raining pretty hard, but we still went out. we went to the candy store. i bought a marshmellow chocolate, strawberry and cream candies, and some love heart sticks that came with one of those water tattoo things! we also went to the thrift store. i got new pajama pants. one of them is pink and white, the other has princess peach on it. they are soo cute. i also got a pale bunny rabbit that has pink flowers in her hair. she is very pretty.

the day before that i went to the cheap store.. my favorite store. i got stickers to decorate my laptop with, some new makeup sponges, and hair ties. the other day i got burnt with a cigarette and it looks really gross still. i wonder if it'll scar.

july 13 - 8:03pm
feeling: wistful

i can see the mountains from my home and i wish to be anywhere but here.

july 8 -10:00pm
feeling: out of this world

i think it's been nearly three months on my anti-depressants. i could only take half a tablet at first because i'm bad at swallowing pills. but, when i increased it to a full one, i had almost two weeks full of complete numbness and dissociation. it was so so stressful and i could never focus and couldn't go anywhere without just completely feeling gone from my emotions and life.

i haven't been getting better at all. the symptoms i mentioned above have still been going on, but to a lesser degree. sometimes things just feel so unreal. sometimes my hands feel weird and i need to stretch them in and out to confirm that they belong to me. don't even get me started about visiting the supermarket. i'm not even conscious. i keep hoping eveything is just a dream.